All I wanted was a paper towel. Was a paper towel too much to ask for? And just the next aisle over, I could see the paper products. And yet I was stuck.
I went out shopping the other day, kid free! Seriously, I thought it was going to be wonderful. Perhaps, that was my first mistake. I was crunched for time and already having an off morning, you know, just one of those days where every little thing is irritating. But I had my awesome chauffeur (aka David) drive me to the local grocery store. I may not have a housekeeper, but I’ve got a chauffeur! I’m not sure if he drives me everywhere because he thinks I’m a bad driver, or he knows I hate driving, or because he loves me…I’m going with “C”: he loves me.
So once at the store, I realized 2 terrible things. First, I forgot my list, and second, I was hungry. Being hungry while shopping is a terrible combination. So the best plan was to do the every-aisle-walk and quickly grab everything I thought we were out of, at least what I needed to make dinner that evening. I could then be out in record time, right?
Up and down each aisle I quickly went. It really is amazing how fast you can go without any kids. I was watching the clock and making great time, just about finished, and after only about 25 minutes.
As I was walking down what I was believing to be my last aisle, a bottle of salad dressing jumped right off the shelf! I didn’t even touch anything near it but somehow must have made it mad as it threw itself right at me! There I stood, drenched in salad dressing. It’s amazing how much one small little bottle contains when you’re wearing it.
I don’t actually know at what point the bottle broke. Was it when it hit me, hit the ground, or maybe mid-air? But there I stood with dressing dripping off my arm, splashes on my shirt, and the amount running down both legs was unbelievable. I looked down at the shattered glass on the ground all around my shoe. It now looked as though I had stepped right into a bucket of paint. I couldn’t move, and I was a mess.
Standing directly behind me were two employees stocking shelves. They were kind enough to let me know they would call for help, which they did, and then returned to stocking shelves?? So there I stood, waiting. I told them I just needed something to wipe me off so I could go to the restroom and clean up. They assured me help was on it’s way.
I didn’t dare move. The dressing dripping off my arm and all over my hand kept me from getting my phone out of my pocket and killing time. The quantity on my foot kept me from walking away and leaving a grand trail to follow me all the way to the restroom. Feeling foolish, helpless, and a little less confident, I just smiled at all the people trying to turn down the aisle that I was definitely blocking, and I waited. Then I saw it, help on the way, after 15 minutes of waiting, appeared the employee sent to help clean up the mess on aisle 9. And in his hands he had a broom and a dust pan! YES! Perfect! Why don’t you just sweep me off. He took one look at me, sat his clean up items down, and said he would be right back. Finally, he would go get me paper towels?? I could see them from where I stood. But wait! He turned the wrong way. He walked away from the paper towels. A few minutes passed by and he returned! Ready to clean up the mess with a mop and mop bucket full of water. Really?! In disbelief, I said to the man, “I really need some paper towels or something to wipe everything off.” I pointed to the paper towels. “Could you grab some from right over there? I’ll even buy them.” He left again and returned the third time with a handful of napkins from the deli.
I made do with the best I had. I wiped the dripping stuff off. By this time the dressing on my arm was feeling a little more like a mud mask as it had already started drying.
Once in the restroom I considered climbing in the sink, but the sink was too small. With water and paper towels, I soaked my pants and washed down. While I stood in the bathroom waiting to air dry, I called my knight in shining armor and explained the situation and that I needed him to come in and rescue me.
Not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I was unsure of what to do. Should I just go home and come back later? Should I finish shopping?
With oil stained, and wet, cream-colored pants, I made the decision anyone would. With David by my side, I returned to the scene of the assault, grabbed a bottle of the attacking dressing off the shelf, and added it to my cart. Well, do you remember I was hungry? The caesar salad dressing I had been smelling for the past 20 minutes convinced me I needed to buy that dressing. What an ingenious marketing approach. I, of course, needed to go home and make caesar salad. I gathered the rest of needed ingredients and headed home for lunch.
Perhaps I should carry paper towels in my purse? Oh yeah, then I’d have to carry a purse.